I keep seeing this phrase everywhere.
“Take a trip by yourself to find yourself.”
“Try out this new thing and get help finding yourself.”
“Start your journey of finding yourself.”
And it’s always been really confusing to me.
I look down, and I see my hands gliding over they keyboard. I look down, and I see the black jeans I slipped on this morning. I look at the screen, and if I look the right way, I can see my reflection on my monitor screen.
Here I am. Does this mean I found myself?
I am very fickle, and it’s really hard to pin me down to one certain type because I am an eclectic collage of things that I have gathered over the years. I want to be dark and brooding sometimes, but I have always been the bubbly girl that can talk to anyone if she really wants to. I usually wear a lot of neutral colours and geometric, simple patterns, but sometimes I wear a pastel pink pullover with unicorn silhouettes printed all over it. I get motivated in pulses, so I have a lot of projects that I’ve worked on in irregular intervals. I like to take inspiration from various sources because I’d like to believe I’m open minded.
But I’m also insecure about my looks, and I worry that my closest friends might suddenly realise that I am the most annoying person they know. I feel like I’m lagging behind while everyone is on their way to building a strong foundation for a successful career. I feel like I always have to overachieve in everything I do, including my social life and feel frustrated and anxious if I didn’t overachieve. I feel the urging need to be unique, but I feel like I’m not original enough for it.
I know myself – in the sense that I know that I do not know myself all too well.
I feel like the biggest issue is me not being able to accept that I will not ever be able to fit myself into one single descriptor because I am my own little personal culture that has been getting richer and richer throughout the years. I will not be simply “the cute girl,” or “the girl that always wears that kind of outfit,” or “the girl that listens to that one genre of music.” I will be the girl that is, really, impossible to describe because she changes every day. And because I am so unique in my own way, it’s really kind of absurd to care so much about how I look compared to others. There is someone out there that looks at me and thinks “I wanna be like her,” just like I think that way about other people.
I am still working on trying to feel less upstaged by everyone, but I know now that I am my own self, and someone else having a great personality or a great identity does not take away from the brilliance of my own personality. What matters is me loving myself and paying enough attention to my own well being and not heeding that little voice in my head that keeps telling me you’re not as good as that.
I am me, and there is nobody else out there that can be me. If I’m not myself, then who else is? I am unique, I am special, and I am an original that nobody else can play off as well.
I “found” myself.
Also known as Hey June.